22 Things Women Think While Shopping
By CHELSEA FAGAN
1. “I can totally fit into this, I just have to get it over my wide-ass shoulders.” [Sounds of threads popping] “Oh shit, oh shit, how do I get this off?”
2. “Eww, why is there makeup on the collar of this shirt? Are people seriously that falling gross that they don’t notice they smeared half a bottle of foundation all over this white blouse? Eww.”
3. “It’s on sale, it doesn’t matter if it’s too small, it will just give me something to work towards.”
4. “‘Dry clean only?’ Pfft, lol, guess I’m not buying you, then.”
5. “Oh my god, I literally bought this a week ago at full price and now it’s 60% off. Maybe I can pretend that I never wore it and staple the tags to it or something and bring it back.”
6. “I need something really cute for tonight, but I can’t spend more than, like, 12 dollars.” [Sees a Forever 21 glowing in the distance accompanied by the sound of angels trumpeting] “Oh, thank God.”
7. “It doesn’t matter if they only have them one size down and therefore they crush my toes into a single mass of pain, these shoes are adorable and 25 bucks. Sold.”
8. “I want something that says, ‘I’m here to grind on some dicks,’ but also, ‘Ask me about my thoughts on Foucault.’ Maybe there’s something at Zara?”
9. “That bitch is literally trying on a dress in the middle of the goddamn store in front of the only mirror in this section. Wait for a spot in a dressing room like the rest of us. Ugh.”
10. “I want to try on this outfit, but I don’t want to take off my pants and shoes. Therefore I will just assume that it fits.”
11. “I am not emotionally ready to go jean shopping today. I’m going to wait for a day that feels more cosmically aligned.”
12. “What size am I? This is a really complicated question. I mostly oscillate between a 4 and a 14, depending on the store and the cut of the item.”
13. “This dress is not worth waiting in this line.”
14. “I should not have tried on such tight jeans. Now I’m going to have to sit down, catch my breath, and compose myself before I try to peel them the rest of the way off.”
15. “Eww, American Eagle, no one cares if you are having a sale.”
16. “Aeropostale still exists? How is that possible? Didn’t they fall into some kind of alternate universe along with everything else from middle school?”
17. “Maybe strapless suddenly looks good on me for no reason?” …. “Yep, nope, still look like a linebacker with triangle-shaped boobies.”
18. “Loving the backless thing, but what is the bra situation with this dress, or do you just band-aid the nips?”
19. “Who is the girl who can actually pull of the high-waisted cut-off booty shorts? WHO IS THAT GIRL AND CAN I STEAL HER MAGIC IN A SEASHELL À LA URSULA?!?!?”
20. “Hurry the fall up in that dressing room, you do not need 20 minutes to try on two sundresses, get over yourself.”
21. “Do not tap your foot at me, you plebe, I will take all the time in the dressing room that my heart desires. I need my time to existentially explore the nuances of this halter top.”
22. “This is so cute!” [Checks price tag] “Oh, wait, no it’s not.”
